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Donor families support thread

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#1 IamOzgirl

Posted 07 October 2019 - 11:13 AM

I am a aware of a few people who either have conceived via donor sperm or egg. or currently going through the process (like me!) So I thought it would be good to start a thread for us :-)

#2 IamOzgirl

Posted 07 October 2019 - 11:20 AM

A bit about me 40yo, recently single after a trying couple of years.

I realised it was now or never and knew I would have regrets in a few years if I didn't have a go.

I am currently stimming via a great clinic in Canberra (PM me for details if you like).

#3 MissHLH

Posted 07 October 2019 - 12:27 PM

Hi IamOzgirl - thanks for starting the thread.

I'm 39, have been trying with a friend for nearly a year which hasn't worked, so am going it alone with a donor.  Same as you, I know I'll have regrets if I don't try.

I'm in Melbourne, and using a clinic here.  The same doc who treated my endo.  The clinic staff seem really supportive of single women, so that's been good.  I was really surprised at the number of donors to choose from, I thought there wouldn't be that many.

#4 Mollyksy

Posted 07 October 2019 - 01:32 PM

I am a solo mum by choice. Conceived my 6yo DS after a five year IVF journey and seven miscarriages (and almost dying from internal bleeding when an artery was pierced accidentally during my last egg collection.

My donor was an old friend. So a known donor. While I was pregnant he decided he wanted to be called dad and be involved. I agreed. In a couple of years time he went off the deep end with mental and drug illness following his mums death. He lost everything, his partner, his job, his home, all his money. He is only know drug free and in recovery. My DS is now getting a bond with him, can now rely on him. But for the last say 3 years, he knew who he was but couldn't rely on him.

It's been tough. I knew how to handle the no dad,donor thing. I'd researched. Now I had a homeless drug addict as dad and a kid asking what happened to his dad.

Of course no child support. I did negotiate a modest payment and got it initially but it was his partner paying not him.

His beautiful ex partner has met another wonderful guy and he and the new guy come 2 hrs to visit each month of so. And he helps out.

So we muddle through. I'm not sure if I'd do anything different in retrospect. Maybe research the absent dad bit more! He would do things like promise to visit then be too wasted. I'm sure a lot of women could relate!

Now it's much better. He still isnt working but is well enough to help with school hol care which is pretty probably the first helpful thing in a while for me personally.

All the best to those still trying.

And yaay that in the last 10 or so years clinics are better with single women. Mine were ok until they found out my donor was gay. I had to not so subtly threaten to sue before they backed down and let me use him. He passed the medicals of course but they were still saying it was unacceptable risk!

#5 ckmelb

Posted 07 October 2019 - 08:37 PM

Thanks for sharing your story Mollyksy as I have seen some of your posts on being a single mum by choice but didn't know the context of the donor situation

I am 36 weeks pregnant and used donor sperm in Victoria. I didn't really know anyone suitable to ask to be a donor so just went through the process and was pleased to have found a profile that resonated with me

It took about 10 IVF cycles over 18 months to fall pregnant so by the time I got pregnant the whole donor piece fell into the background. But with bub nearly here I have started thinking about it again and conscious of telling her how she got here while she is still very little

Interestingly my niece and nephews have not asked any questions (aged 7, 9, 11). I explained to my niece that I needed help from a Dr to get pregnant and that he took my egg out and then it was put back in while it was still a speck of a baby. But besides asking how small the speck was she didn't ask any other questions

#6 Mollyksy

Posted 07 October 2019 - 10:25 PM

Ck, my research says kids do better when they always know the story. The advantage to you is if you start telling them before they can truly ask curly questions, you gain confidence yourself. I was planning to read books to prompt the discussion. I just googled and this looks helpful https://www.topcouns...hers-by-choice/

Now of course I ended up with different curly questions.

I assume that your donor agreed to he contactable when baby is 18? I thought that requirement had come in Australia wide during my journey. It did in NSW. That will be up to your daughter.

The IVF clinic will give you a letter for centrelink certifying you are a solo mum. I registered DS with just me, the father was left entirely blank. I had a bit of trouble with centrelink losing my letter to get a child support exemption for FTB. But after an in person visit I got a social worker I think who sorted it.

Any school enrollment has just been with one legal parent, me. I put in an 'explanation' which is DS has one legal parent recorded on his birth certificate.

My donor being called dad did not effect our legal status. Of course I knew that by allowing a relationship I would open myself to legal action (akin to 'grandparent rights') but our relationship was donor/recipient at the core. In retrospect I am glad I did as I did.

All the best with the last bit of pregnancy and birth. Do you have a support person? My mum was still alive when DS was born so stayed at hospital with me and we lived with my parents the first few months. DS had cows milk protein intolerance that took a while to diagnose and didnt sleep longer than 40 mins for months. I needed support.

Edited by Mollyksy, 07 October 2019 - 10:26 PM.

#7 Gabbitz

Posted 08 October 2019 - 07:29 AM

Hi ladies,
It’s great to see other mums having gone through a donor option. Interestingly enough, I think I’m the only one so far using donor eggs!

A bit about me.
I’m in Brisbane, now 38, DH is 40. I have had severe endo (so much so that they ended up having to remove my left tube, my appendix, part of my bladder and 10cm of bowel). We’ve been through about 7 IVF cycles personally, with no success and the last two cycles with no viable eggs collected.

It was recommended that we look at other options as we could keep going and might get lucky, but it was considered unlikely.

We went onto the anonymous donor list and were fortunate to get a call that a donor was available. We went through the process - there was a lot of counselling for us and for the donor separately. We never met her and only received basic health and appearance information on her.

We were successful with the last FET, to become pregnant with DS. But it was a stressful high risk pregnancy. I had a hematoma form at 6w, that then burst at 8w and was on bed rest until 14 weeks. Then DS was born at 32w because I went into early labour. However he is now all good, a precocious, beautiful 22month old.

We thought he was going to be our only child as we had no embies stored, but decided that while I was on maternity leave, we would go back on the donor registry and see what happened. (My work gave me 2 years off, so I took advantage of that time! I go back to work for the first time next week).

In April of this year, we got a call that another donor was Available and we jumped on the chance!

Initially my doc checked me out and found my endo had grown back again, so we were delayed from starting a cycle, and then from doing a fresh transfer cycle because I went in for another laparoscopic surgery in August, but we were able to start a FET immediately afterwards.

We had 3 good quality day 5 embies formed, plus one 3CC emby(so 4 stored).  We transferred 1 good quality day 6 embie on 13/9 and after testing found we are pregnant with #2. Yay. As at today, I’m 6w2d pregnant, so still very early. Want to get through the first trimester because that was our disaster period for DS! But I think we’re already doing better than my first pregnancy!

Because my son is from an anonymous donor, we don’t have any legal implications from the donor. According to law in QLD, children born of donors are entitled to find out about their donors once they turn 18, but he is legally our son and I am listed on his birth certificate as his mother.

We use very simple language at the moment to explain to him and his older cousins (4 and 6) about what has been happening as his cousins are curious. But we don’t share with everyone that he was conceived by a donor. Sometimes it’s fun when I have people telling me he ‘has my nose’. Generally I just say that he’s the spitting image of his Dad - which is true actually!

Anyway good luck to those ladies just starting out at the moment.

#8 Romeo Void

Posted 08 October 2019 - 08:07 AM

Hi ladies, my DD is donor/donor conceived.  We'd tried for 10 odd years, 9 full IVF rounds and had no luck.  Our donors are a friend and a friend of a friend.  Ours was obviously a known donation, both of them had their own children already.  We did counselling prior and had some very blunt conversations, laying everything on the table up front..things like 'what if I have a son/daughter'? (each donor only had one sex) would they be envious.  How would they feel if our donor child was smarter/sportier etc?  We really laid it out on the table.  DD is now nearly 13 and her donor families are in her life but in a very distant fashion....like extended family you occasionally see.  She's always known she had two mums and two dads, it doesn't come up much these days.  I've asked our donors how they feel about her, they said she's like a niece to them. They don't look at her as a daughter but they do see her as family.

As a postscript, 10 months after DD was born I became PG naturally with DS (Of course! The universe likes to f*ck with us doesn't it?).  If anyone is interested or worried about a donor conceived baby...don't be, it's exactly the same. Take it from me :heart: :heart:

Edited by Romeo Void, 08 October 2019 - 09:12 AM.

#9 MissHLH

Posted 09 October 2019 - 11:11 AM

Wow Mollyksy - thanks for sharing, such a lot you've been through.  I think having a known donor is great, but yours hasn't been so smooth.  I had a friend who I thought would be great, but I wasn't brave enough to ask!  It's funny (not funny) that being gay was such an issue - so many of the potential donors I could choose from were gay.

ckmelb - that's so exciting that you'll have your child soon.  Sounds like it was a long process to get there.  There are lots (well, some) books that are around aimed at donor conceived children.  A number you can buy on the book depository site.

Gabbitz - congratulations on your second pregnancy.  I worry that my endo might be a barrier, but I'm just starting the process, so too soon to tell.  Hadn't considered that maybe donor eggs would be needed.

Romeo Void - that's incredible - 10 years of trying and ending up with your DD.  I bet you felt so blessed!  And then falling pregnant without any intervention.  It's a crazy world!

Thanks for sharing - it can feel pretty lonely sometimes, especially doing it alone, so it's nice to hear how it's worked for other people.

#10 IamOzgirl

Posted 10 October 2019 - 08:11 PM

I haven't been alone all week, and what to write a considered response!

I will come back (EPU tomorrow, 2hrs away! So 5am wake up!)

#11 IamOzgirl

Posted 04 November 2019 - 08:40 PM

Having a moment where I a am thinking I. Can't do this...

#12 ckmelb

Posted 05 November 2019 - 11:02 AM

Oh ozgirl, that's perfectly normal to have a moment (or moments) of self doubt.

No one can tell you the future, and you will never know what could have been.

Hope you have woken feeling a bit more bright. Sending you wishes

#13 IamOzgirl

Posted 05 November 2019 - 08:31 PM

Not really, another sh*t day (work is breaking me right now)

Friends came over for dinner though which was a nice reprieve.

#14 MissHLH

Posted 06 November 2019 - 04:43 PM

IamOzgirl - it's normal I'm sure, and I'm feeling the same way.  But you are amazingly strong, don't let bad moments make decisions for you.

#15 Gabbitz

Posted 06 November 2019 - 05:01 PM

IamOzgirl. So sorry you’re struggling at the moment. Glad your friends were able to help a bit.
This journey sucks big time and it hurts that life seems to throw nasty curve balls at us. I hope that work settles for you soon and you have some supportive people nearby who can give you a big hug and some time to relax!
I agree with Miss HLH, you are amazingly strong.

#16 IamOzgirl

Posted 09 November 2019 - 04:33 PM

Thank you both so much for you lovely words.

I had a lovely day with a few people from my extended family. Very nice.

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